Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Stitching at the seams
As mothers, we are the binding forces that hold our family together, the glue in the joints and the stitching at the seams. We watch over our children and partners with protective, nurturing eyes...always making sure that needs are being met and that desires are being fulfilled. But what happens when you start to lose your stick? When your thread becomes unstitched and you are no longer holding the seams together?
When you are a mother, having a 'bad few days' brings more than just feelings of the blue shade but also intense feelings of guilt. Guilt that you are unable to hold your own head up high, let alone help your children hold theirs. How can you encourage your toddler to laugh, when you, yourself are struggling to smile?
The past few days have been...really hard. It's not easy to open up and admit defeat to the world, let alone to yourself. But in doing so I actually feel slightly better. I imagined that caring for a toddler, whilst being pregnant would be hard, a lot harder than a first pregnancy. But I didn't imagine that it would seem very hard, so very suddenly. Everything felt manageable and in control one moment, only to feel like the worlds biggest challenge the next. The past few days, I found myself really struggling to juggle the day to day basics of my life. To get my toddler dressed and ready for an outing, as well as myself dressed and ready for an outing was becoming a physical and emotional challenge too large to tackle. To keep the house in some sort of orderly state was a challenge that although I wanted to tackle, I physically wasn't able. And when I find myself struggling to complete the daily basics of being a mother, the guilt that comes along with it fuels my overly emotional state. And overly emotional I certainly have been.
Perhaps its due to hitting that 6 monthly mark of pregnancy and the stress of knowing that very soon things will be changing very drastically. I also know my hormones are largely to blame for the unsteady emotional mama I have been. I've found myself unable to sleep at night with the fear of juggling two children playing in my mind, I've found myself in a puddly mess of tears when nothing in my wardrobe is fitting well or when catching sight of my thighs in the mirror. Shopping for baby items has become a teary, stressful venture rather than the exciting experience I want it to be.
I know that no one likes a Negative Nancy, but just as equally no one likes a Cheerful Charli so today I am posting as a Down-to-earth Darla. I may have had a bad few days, but I am hopeful that as my hormones level out a little and my pregnancy comes to an end I begin returning to the cool, calm and collected mama that I pride myself on being.
I owe such heartfelt thanks to my fiance Nick, he has forced me to stop and put my feet up and given me a shoulder to rest my head on. And that sneaky little post he wrote for me after a particularly bad day; so beautiful.
Plenty of love,